Session 5: Problematising Monogamy and Fidelity
Chair: Cinzia Romagnoli

Forsaking All Others: Monogamy, Sex and Value
Bryan R. Weaver and Fiona Woollard
University of Reading, United Kingdom

We consider the connection between monogamy, sex and value. 
Many cultures have traditionally endorsed strict requirements on the form of sexual relationships.  These relationships were to be between two members of opposite sex, monogamous, permanent and sanctified as part of the legal and religious institution of marriage.  Three of these requirements have been significantly relaxed; but the norm of monogamy remains entrenched.  Monogamy is the default; persons in relationships are expected to refrain from some range of sexual activities outside the relationship.  For many people within monogamous relationships, this norm is central to the structure of the relationship.  They feel that something of great value would be lost if they ceased to hold each other to this norm.   
We explore whether choosing a monogamous relationship is a response to some real value or simply involves imposing pointless, perhaps damaging, restrictions on ourselves and our partners, giving play to destructive, possessive tendencies.  
The norm of monogamy appears strange.  It requires one to forgo something of value, sex, in exchange for one’s partner doing the same.  But why is this valuable?   We explore three putative defences of monogamy.
First, we consider possible practical rationales for monogamy: the welfare of children and the reduction of the risk of errant emotions leading to relationship breakdown.  
Second, the Argument from Exclusivity claims that something becomes more valuable when access to it is limited.   The fact that partners only have sex with each other enhances the value of sex.  
Third and most interestingly, the Argument from Intimacy claims that the physical intimacy involved in sex makes it an optimal expression of the emotional intimacy in a relationship.  Emotionless sex parodies emotional sex, so sex should be limited to the permissible circle of emotional intimacy.  We explore how wide this circle should be.

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Happy Swinging: Life Choices of Chinese Men and Women in Hong Kong
Petula Sik Ying Ho
Department of Social Work & Social Adminstration, The University of Hong Kong

This paper draws on the experience of people who have multiple sex partners or what some would call unconventional relationships which are extra-familial and radically counter-heteronormative. Among them are male and female “swingers" who are interested in engaging in social and sexual intercourse with someone other than their spouse, boyfriends or girlfriends. “Swinging" may occur at a swing party, a foursome between two couples, a discreet rendezvous, or between a couple and single for a threesome. Although many single men and women are involved, the majority of active swingers are couples. The study aims to capture Chinese men and women's experiences in this time of complex personal and social transformations and maps out their pursuit of aspirations beyond conventional gendered prescriptions. The study analyze through their narratives the way they understand happiness in relation to other pursuits in life including romance, adventure and ecstasy, as well as how they cope with the social and moral pressures related to their life decisions and sexual choices. The study will help develop a new way of mapping the desire of men and women in contemporary societies. It is argued that their lifestyles and role performances will almost inevitably become known to other people, and therefore serve as a demonstration of alternative practices and options. This demonstration will incline or facilitate other people to make similar transgressions. It is believed that the cumulative impact of individual practices of people with alternative intimacies will likewise have far-reaching effects. Documenting their creative agency amidst rapid societal transformations, the study illuminates the reconfiguration of femininity and masculinity, gender relations, and family as Hong Kong restructures its position with mainland China and the world.

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Fidelity, Love, and Sexual Relations: Consensual Non-Monogamous Relationships
Kassia Wosick-Correa
Department of Sociology, University of California, Irvine

Mapping the sexual terrain of contemporary intimate relationships involves assessing the nuances of fidelity; its expectations, various dissenters, and continued social reverence. While fidelity remains the cornerstone of traditional monogamy, research clearly shows that contemporary relationships have shifted to include a wider array of race, gender, and sexual variation; relationships in the 21st century are more diverse than ever. Drawing on Struening’s concept of a “new intimacy deal,” this study examines agency within monogamous and consensually nonmonogamous relationships as individuals negotiate fidelity, love, and sexual relations. Based on 2, 218 surveys and 75 interviews, I find a typology of intimacy interactions patterned by explicit and implicit rejections of sexual and/or emotional fidelity. I argue that definitions and practices of contemporary monogamy and cheating are tempered by: 1) what is considered “sex,” and 2) distinguishing between sexual and emotional commitment through obscuring loyalty in order to engage sexual desires, which I term “veiled fidelity.” Findings show that consensual nonmonogamies are characterized by agreements and established rules that govern sexual and nonsexual behaviors with partners based on levels of trust and commitment, the desire to “feel special,” and the goal to achieve intimacy. Data also suggest that “cheating” is problematic within consensual nonmonogamous relationships; although such individuals redefine cheating in terms that resist mononormative definitions of infidelity. Gender and sexual orientation are the most salient predictors of whether individuals engage in nonmonogamy, and affect sexual scripts utilized with the rule negotiation process. Results indicate a contemporary approach to intimacy exists that relies not on sexual exclusivity but rather on regulations that prevent multiple love bonds to ensure emotional exclusivity. Finally, polyamory complicates such findings, since by definition polys resists dual fidelity and encourage multiple emotional bonds. While polyamory affords explicit rejection of sexual and emotional exclusivity, interview data suggest that by underscoring ther ability for multiple loves, there remains a continued emphasis on emotional rather than sexual intimacy.